Thursday, 31 December 2015

Thank You Peeps, You Made 2015 Rock

Its a wrap. Time to say bye to 2015. Its been a great incredibly amazing year. The Lord, God Almighty has been gracious, faithful and loving, and we give Him all the praise, honour and glory. My peeps, on the other hand have held me down, continuously inspiring me to keep writing and sharing my voice, my story and my life.

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

REPOST: A MUST READ: Your priority in life is not my priority, so take a chill pill

The photo above elicited mixed reactions yesterday on social media with everyone weighing in with ridicule, resentment and sarcasm. The tag accompanying the photo indicated that this was a chap visiting his village during the Easter holiday. What was interesting to me was how... READ MORE...

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

REPOST: Men too have that biological thing...

Funny thing about life is that it goes on. It doesn't stop and wait for you to put your act together. It doesn't wait for you to first land your hands on Mr Right or Miss Perfect. Certainly, it doesn't wait for you to sort things out before you buy that dream house, walk down the aisle or pop some little rascals into the world. Life has a mind of its own. Its simply goes on. Which for most of us is a scary thing. Clearly for me it is. Let me explain.... READ MORE...

Monday, 28 December 2015

REPOST: Forget Kenyan Socialites and Campus Divas, My Grandma is the Real Deal

When my grandpa (may the gods rest his soul in eternal pleasure), married my thin-skinned luhya fundamentalist grandma at a small mud-walled dusty church in Nambacha village in Kakamega County decades ago, her clan slapped grandpa with an invoice reading four skinny cows, an ugly Zebu bull and a dozen kuku ya kienyeji... READ MORE...

Saturday, 26 December 2015

REPOST: Lessons from the festive season...

It's 1500 hours. Tuesday, December 23, 2014. I'm at the Kenyan Immigration Office at the Malaba border being cleared to enter Kenya from Uganda. Being a festive season, the border point is unusually busy. Majority of Kenyans are crossing into Uganda for the holidays. Some are ridiculously super excited like they are crossing into the promised land. Others are talking arrogantly to the Immigration Officer like they will never return to Kenya. For a moment, the Immigration Office looks like a scene pulled out of one of those badly shot Uzbekistan porn movies... READ MORE...

Friday, 18 December 2015

REPOST: Sex, greed and alcohol - it's Christmas in my village

Make no mistake about it. My village knows how to party hard. The majority of the population may be living below the poverty line. However, when it comes to the Christmas holiday. No one parties like Rockstars like my village. Let me paint for you the picture of how it went down yesterday, the eve of Christmas... READ MORE...

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

I am Selfish By Modern Mom

He has been of out the country for the last two years. He left very suddenly for further studies when our daughter was only nine months old. He came home to visit a handful of times; each time expecting his little girl to be the same way she was when he left. It always amazed him how fast she was growing. But behind the excitement I saw a sense of loss. I saw the pain in his eyes when she looked at him like a stranger the first five minutes.  I could tell that he hated the fact that he missed many firsts with her... READ MORE...

Monday, 14 December 2015

This is My Story

Mentorship, I believe is the missing link to most people attaining greatness and living effectively on earth. Majority of people are going through the labyrinth of life aimlessly, unfulfilled, confused, frustrated and at the verge of giving up. Most people are stuck in jobs, relationships, marriages and careers they hate. Most of us are living mediocre, average lives with no sense of direction or a sense of contentment. Not realising that we carry great untapped potential to be great, successful and fulfilled. 

Friday, 11 December 2015

Magical Victoria Falls (PHOTOS)

Divinely perched at the border of Zambia and Zimbabwe is the magical Victoria Falls. While its neither the highest nor the widest waterfall in the world, its nonetheless classified as the largest, based on its width of 1,708 metres (5,607 ft) and height of 108 metres (354 ft), resulting in the world's largest sheet of falling water. Words can't express the incredible and awesome feel one has standing next to the falls, so I will let the photos do the talking.

Thursday, 10 December 2015

Modern Mom Can’t Cook By Modern Mom

The food had just started boiling when I heard a knock on the door. My pocket was hurting that day; I only had 4 shillings to my name. Not one to despair, I was contented working with what I had – rice, potatoes and an onion. Without the tomatoes to at least add some color, I was prepared to have some very bland lunch. But it was ok, as mom always told us, tummies are not transparent... READ MORE...

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Meet the Modern Mom

Steve is that popular chap you shared a hostel window back in campus. He was a ladies' man too. A modern casanova of sorts. You loved hanging around him because through him you will get access to pretty campus divas. You had the hots for Carol, the voluptuous damsel born and raised in the wheat fields of Narok. But Steve beat you to her. So, you coiled your tail between your legs, and decided to concentrate on chewing books. Years later, you bumped into Steve, and you are curious to know what happened to Carol. Carol can't be found on Facebook or Twiraa. Her name you even suspect isn't in the voter's list... READ MORE...

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover

I met this young chap at the banks of the mighty Zambezi River carrying his daily bread. For the record, those monsters were still alive. They kept on kicking and twisting, wiggling and squirming, wobbling and coiling. Perhaps they were looking for Fatou Bensouda's number, or desperately trying to remember the Lord's Prayer. They looked enraged, bitter and wrathful. He would occasionally say something to them in his Njaya dialect, and the fish would appear to nod their heads in fear, and immediately act dead. 

Thursday, 3 December 2015

Royal Dreams

After all that drama of crossing the Zambezi River, I arrived in Mongu tired like a pregnant squirrel. As the gods would have it, I was in this part of the world to check out that small matter educated minds call provision of appropriate services to marginalised communities. However, for those with a flattering of tongue or fertile imagination, without even twinkling an eyelid will say shitty words like: empowering Africans to live with dignity, or the classic - eradication of poverty in Africa.

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Crossing The Zambezi

You have been chilling in this fancy Presidential Suite feeling like a million dollar. Never in the history of luhya-dom has anyone ever utilised that small matter of room service like you have. You are sure the hotel management is contemplating to either have someone on stand by outside your room like for 24hrs, or worst case scenario throw you out. You slap the hotel manager with that look that says: what's the fun of staying in a Presidential Suite without the element of pushing to the limits the essence of room service, after his body language seems to question your misplaced privileges.

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Livingstone, Zambia

Spiralling like a boss is the Zambezi, Africa's 4th longest river, with its majestic Victoria's Falls welcoming you to Livingstone, Zambia. Its one of those captivating sites that tempts you to say the Lord's Prayer in your mother tongue. Problem is, you are sitting next to this white lady who's been complaining like forever on why she can't use that loo only privileged souls in business class are entitled to. 

Monday, 23 November 2015

Ladies, keep flaunting it even after you say I do

She wears her skirt seven inches above her knees, so that it crops up her thighs when she sits. She has this sexiness and irresistible sexual appeal written all over her. Unlike her peers who paint their faces with a tonne of makeup in order to look 'human', she looks elegant, classy and stylish without trying too hard. She's considerably of medium height, stunningly beautiful and curiously intelligent. Her smile is genuine. Her eyes sparkling. Her demenour absorbing.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

VIDEO: Let's Talk About Mentorship By Douglas Waudo

August 2000. I relocated to Nairobi to attend college. Fresh from the village I looked confused, dressed hilariously, but determined nonetheless to make the best out of my life. I guess what kept me going was that dream, hope and inner yearning of a better tomorrow. Well, 15 years later, its noon. October 19, 2015, I walk into the studios of TV Cosmopolitan in Lavington, Nairobi for an interview on mentorship. The boy who grew up herding his father's sheep, battling jiggers and hardly spoke English with any confidence. The boy with the lowest self-esteem in the world, and who didn't seem will amount to anything other than an average mediocre village life was now being sought by TV stations to be interviewed.

I look back at my life, and all I can say is: He truly is Jehovah El-Shaddai, The Almighty God. Never allow your past to define your present or determine your future. Chase your dreams. Follow your passion. Trust in God and He will lift you up. I love the fact about God that He is not a respecter of persons. Even if you didn't get a chance to get the best education, live in the best houses or estates, or brought up with rich parents or a fancy lifestyle, Yawheh will still glorify His name in you. As you watch this video, I encourage you today to rise above human definitions and limitations of you, and realise that you carry God-given potential for greatness to live effectively on earth. John 10:10 says Jesus came to give us life in abundance. Refuse to settle for less. Refuse to live an average, mediocre life. You were created for greatness and for a divine purpose. Its time to live effectively on earth.

The Douglas Waudo Mentorship Program has since changed its name to The Living Effectively Mentorship Program. The name change was inspired by the greater vision of the program's expansion, as well as to accommodate organisations, institutions, individuals, churches, universities and corporate entities who have expressed interest for partnership and collaboration with us. The Living Effectively Mentorship aims to equip individuals to discover their purpose and maximise their God-given potential to live effectively on earth as they also become agents of change.

Image Credit: TVC

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

Usikojoe Hapa

To my loyal readers in Slovakia, usikojoe hapa is Swahili for don't pee here. In Slovak, you will say nemajú čúrať tu. Well, now that I have a chance to speak to you directly, I would like to say a big ďakujem za nasledujúcich môj blog (Thank you for reading my blog). Google Analytics tells me you are big fans. Ok, now back to the peeing thing. 

Monday, 16 November 2015

Hey, Look at Me, I am from the Diaspora

So, I am stuck with this two chaps sitting next to me on this 6 hour flight to +254, as they kept referring to Kenya. They were Kenyans returning home, perhaps for holiday or something. But the way they described Kenya and her people, you would be forgiven to think they were tourists visiting the beloved Mama Africa for the first time, and they couldn't wait to take a selfie with a black person.  

Friday, 13 November 2015

Till a Mzungu Do Us Part

I haven't seen or heard from Faith for a long time. Understandably so. Heheh! Reke gwire! since she landed that odiero (white man), she went into hibernation or rather blocked all her friends from her new found glorious life. For those fortunate enough to still have her as a follower on Twiraa would be treated to occasional quotes of Swami Sivananda on her timeline. Forgive me, but I am always very suspicious of peeps who endlessly post quotes on social media. Prof. Kimani told me in Psychology class that such are troubled souls seeking either attention or consolation. But then again, who would trust a professor unable to pronounce: flabbergasted.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

The Devil Loves an Orgasm

It's one of those ka-loose Saturdays. The weather is perfect for a swim. Problem is, while peeps were learning how to swim, you were busy writing love letters to Mrs. Jackson's daughter. So, you call your homeboy, Steve. He's one of those chaps who never lack a plot. Besides he always shows up with some hot, yellow-yellow pretty things that always excites your southern tropical. Its end month, your bank account is smelling nice. You feel like a million dollars - rich and important.

Monday, 9 November 2015

Baby on Board

I'm always fascinated by first-time parents. They seem to have this mystery about them that is either unexplored, understated, or even misunderstood. The ambiguity and paranoia of some about their little rascals always intrigues me. Some treat their little ones like some innocent cute bombs, which if not taken good care of will explore and wipe out life on earth. While others seem delusional about having a child. They will check its temperature hundred times a day. Call the doctor fifty times in a minute when the little rascal winks at the ceiling or coughs for fun. Still others will bother the gods with countless strings of prayers, just because the little rascal smiled and cried in the same tone.

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

My engagement - Meet the Parents

So, this past Saturday as the gods would have it, I showed up with my peeps at Missus' home in that small matter of asking her folks for her hand in marriage. You good bro, my cousin asks as we approach the gate in a long entourage. Of course, I was good. I had watched enough Nigerian movies to be able to pull this effortlessly, or so I thought.

Monday, 2 November 2015

Envy and the Image Trap

I stumbled upon this Scripture this morning during my devotion time, and it blew my mind away. Ecclesiastes 4:4 (NLT): "Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless - like chasing the wind." The more I meditated on this verse, the more it opened a whole new world to me. I began to wonder how many of us are actually motivated to success because we envy our neighbours. It appears to God that envy plays a big role in most people's success; whether they know it or not, or whether they want to admit it or not.

Friday, 30 October 2015

Why you are single

I know the pressure some ladies are going through for being single, especially when the clock seems to be ticking abnormally faster. Most have been subjected under unnecessary pressure trying to conform to societal expectations. Let's not criminalise being single. And certainly to my sisters, let no one make you feel guilty. In any case, you don't owe anyone an explanation for being single.

Monday, 26 October 2015

My Mandazi Episode

I love me my mandazi to bits. I'm talking about that mouth-watering mandazi that is well done you can easily swallow your tongue. That mandazi that has a captivating aroma, taste and colour that will make you break a leg just to have a bite. I'm talking about that mandazi you see on TV commercials, when some super cool mum with a waist that looks like someone is chocking it, is advertising cooking oil. You know that mandazi that looks so fine like your first crush, you are tempted to break the TV screen and grab it from that perfect advertising lady with her white teeth wearing a table cloth around her waist.

Thursday, 22 October 2015

The Sweetest Sin

He walks into the lounge area with his shoulders over his head. He looks around disinterested at some chap shouting their lungs out about Arsenal and Bayern Munich. A slender waitress characterised with a big booty and waist that looked like someone was choking it, and almost succeeded - walks towards him. She slaps him with that suspicious smile pastors reserve for people who don't tithe in church. He ignores her and continues scanning the bar area.

Monday, 19 October 2015

Life's Little Lessons

I am beginning to slowly figure out this thing we call life. Its taken a while, but I am slowly getting there. I have been crawling into the labyrinth of life, mostly ignorantly and without guidance, direction, purpose or focus. Its been a crazy ride defined with an abundance of tears, regrets, and most importantly, valuable lessons.

Thursday, 15 October 2015

Loose Women Get Men, Ladies Get Husbands

In the game of love, appearance can be deceiving. But only for a while. You see the thing about appearance is that it wears out after sometime. A person's true colours always has this habit of showing up, eventually, and often when least expected. Pretense, they say is a lousy cologne. The thing about life is that its governed by a simple principle called the law of sowing and reaping.

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

The Village Socialite

World War III is looming in my village. Luckily, this war has nothing to do with politics of ethnicity, selfish politicians with unbridle ambitions or the Iraq nuclear deal. In fact, this war has nothing to do with Mbugua, the local butcher who some suspect sells donkey meat in the only butchery the village boosts of. The war is also not about Alfayo Shikoti, the village herbalist who's been masquerading in the village as Olivia Pope. This skinny chap carrying angry wrinkles on his dilapidated face, has been charging villagers an arm and a leg to purportedly fix their cancers, diabetes, malnutrition, adultery, obesity and winning Shinda Milly na Safaricom promotion. He's also the same chap who predicted El-Nino will start months ago, and yet till now heavens hasn't even bothered to sneeze. 

Monday, 12 October 2015

How to Discover Your Purpose (VIDEO)

Participants of The Douglas Waudo Mentorship Program share their experiences after going through the 8-week course designed to equip individuals to discover their purpose in life and maximise their God-given potential to become agents of change.
To learn more about the program logo on: The Douglas Waudo Mentorship Program

Friday, 9 October 2015

A MUST READ: The deceitfulness of wealth

A few days ago, I bumped into one of the most wealthiest and prominent persons in Kenya. I mean, the guy is filthy rich. He's so rich, me thinks he can literally buy one, heck even two of the planets in the solar system. A couple of skyscrapers in Nairobi, rumour has it belongs to him. He used to be in government since the days of former President Moi, and I think through that he was able to amass lots of wealth.

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

The Walking Dead

He's the kind of man a woman, any woman would fall for. He's rich. Has a stable and well-paying job. Highly educated and well-travelled. He's industrious, and as a matter of fact has established a few business initiatives here and there that are doing pretty well. He's simply put, what as per worldly standard will be the epitome of success.

Monday, 5 October 2015

#NEWS ALERT: Extension of the 2nd Intake of The Douglas Waudo Mentorship Program

To all my peeps,

Kindly note that the deadline for the second intake of The Douglas Waudo Mentorship Program has been extended till Monday, October 12, 2015. Classes are still scheduled to commence on Saturday, October 17, 2015. For those interested to be part of this, hurry up - we have limited slots. For details about the program, the intake process, venue of classes, and registration fees, kindly click on this link for more information. In other news, this past Saturday, October 3rd, 2015, by God's grace participants of the first batch of the program graduated after going through the 8 weeks course...

Friday, 2 October 2015

Who Will Save Women from These Freaking Idiotic Men?

The following type of men need to be hanged by their thumbs or subjected to corporal punishment in an isolated island. Phack it, why I'm being nice. On second thought, these men need to be roughed up. Placed on a canoe and their ass shipped to Mississippi where they will be made to work as slaves in those cotton fields for the rest of their earthly lives, and if possible afterlife.

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

My engagement - Our Honeymoon, Marriage and Pregnancy

In case you are still wondering. My engagement is still the talk of the village. As expected my melodramatic uncle, Saimoni Shimuchira Makwakwa is the author of most of the rumours, tales, truths and lies about my engagement, and subsequent marriage. And even before I meet my in-laws from the House of Mumbi to decide the length and breath of my dowry. My uncle, in his own wisdom or lack of it, has already announced that I will be the first descendant from the kingdom of His Majesty, Your Worship, The Great Nabongo Mumia to pay dowry without negotiation.

Monday, 28 September 2015

"I was sexually molested by a man of God, but I am now an agent of change"

The first batch of participants for The Douglas Waudo Mentorship Program
Saturday, August 15, 2015 around 9am. The golden Sun had emerged from its Horizon in the East with spectacular beauty. The rays of the blazing Sun penetrated through the curtains of my office like ghosty spears. Almost as if on queue, a group of 16 young chaps walked into the boardroom of my office along 1st Ngong Avenue, community area in Nairobi carrying an air of unbridled expectation. 

Friday, 25 September 2015

#NEWS ALERT: 2nd Intake of The Douglas Waudo Mentorship Program

There are 4 types of people on earth, those who: 
  1. Watch things happen 
  2.  Let things happen
  3. Ask what happened  
  4. Make things happen. 

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

If you need money to get her, dude she ain't the one

Its one of those ka-loose Saturdays. You busy minding your own business. Okay, if watching Season Two of How to Get Away with Murder counts, then yes, you busy. Just when Rebecca's (Katie Findlay) killer is about to be revealed. Your phone rings. Damn! You curse under your breath and ignore.

Friday, 18 September 2015

My engagement - How I met Missus

She wears her sexy little black dress with dotted yellow flowers 23-inches above her knees, so that it crops up her juicy yellow-yellow thighs when she sits down. 

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Dear Marto...

With a South Indian accent she delivered the verdict coldly and authoritatively. My blood pressure was dangerously high. 

Friday, 11 September 2015

Don't send flowers to my funeral

Its Friday. 2:43pm. You have just had a heavy sumptuous lunch at your favourite joint that is a stone throw-away from your office. Its actually a kibanda , but since its elegantly branded with Coca-Cola corporate colours, and most of the chaps who patronise it come smothered in neatly ironed suits, you refer to it as a restaurant. Heck, sometimes you even say shit like, hiyo hotel yetu karibu na ofisi (Our hotel near the office).

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

My Engagement Drama - Here Comes the Bride...

Typically, on important things my heaven-bound mother communicates her wishes and clues with the assistance of parables, folk songs, Old Testament Biblical characters, Bible verses, hymns, prayers and body language. I have been her son for 34 years now. Trust me, I know and understand her pretty well. So, from the many conversations I have had with her regarding my engagement and the much awaited Pentecostal Church wedding, this is what I have been able to decipher from her of how she wants my wedding to be. 

Monday, 7 September 2015

Sweetheart, you are your hair

I never liked her to begin with. She had insulted her head by wearing some ugly shiny weave, which I guess due to its cheapness looked like it was dripping either of water or sweat. Her gory weave sat poorly on her miserable head like a misused cleaning mop or a bird's nest hurriedly constructed by a heartbroken single mother bird. 

Thursday, 3 September 2015

Satan, not today please

Her life story is manicured and full of the Biblical Abrahamic blessings: Poor family. Childhood and teenage struggles. Scholarship educated up to high school. Then sugar-daddy-supported till graduate level.

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

My engagement: The drama continues

Its been hardly a month since I proposed to Missus. Regardless of that, my heaven-bound, Scripture spitting, devil-cursing mother wants Missus and I to spiritualise our engagement with a Pentecostal church wedding as soon as it takes an elderly village cock to enjoy an orgasm.

Friday, 28 August 2015

Do you know your purpose in life?

Let's face it. One day, someday, we will all DIE. We will be lying on that cold slab. Breathless, lifeless. Finally silent. We won't be buried with the things we loved or worked so hard to possess. The most we will be buried with, if we are lucky is a fancy coffin. Perhaps a designer suit or dress. Some stylish watch, if we are lucky. And it's a wrap. That would be it. DEAD, GONE, and life will go on like we were never around.

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Things you shouldn't tell your friends about your relationship

Image Credit:
Admittedly, we all have either that one friend or friends who seem to be a third wheel in our relationships or marriages. We tell them pretty much all the happenings in our relationship. If hubby snored last night - our friends will know about it. If you had a fight - your friends will definitely hear about it. If he's broke, his business isn't doing well or things aren't going on for him financially - your friends will know all the juicy details.

Monday, 24 August 2015

Meet these young lads making a difference in Kibera

Some of the members of Ghetto Jeducate after our meeting this past Saturday in Kibera. The chap with his tongue out is one of the funniest comedian I have ever met. I am third from the right, in case you still googling.
I spent my afternoon this past Saturday with a group of talented youngsters in Kibera called Ghetto Jeducate. I was here accompanied by Peter Wainaina, a participant of The Douglas Waudo Mentorship Program to discuss with the group on how The Douglas Waudo Mentorship Program can provide mentoring opportunities to its members in areas of personal and professional development.

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Why I don't give a crap about Kenyan politics

Its August 2017. The weather isn't very predictable. Even chaps at the Meteorological Department are confused. There will be famine in Kileleshwa, and hailstones in Embakasi. Kenyans are advised to walk looking at the sky, they stammer at a press conference, while distributing media releases with a blurry downloaded map of Kenya.