Saturday, 31 January 2015

Be careful of big-legged women in Nairobi, grandma used to warn me

As the gods would have it. I park my jalopy on the second floor in the adjacent building to my office. I always see her struggle to park her always-extremely-very-clean polished white Subaru Legacy. To be honest, if slightly motivated I could write a thesis on her. In the thesis I would describe in detail the many elegant hand bags she owns. Her classy LeClerc transparent lipstick. Her lavish, yet corporate smile. I would also dedicate a whole chapter on her irresistible womanliness that is seductively revealed as she catwalks on the staircases in her expensive attitude .

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

An open letter to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend

Hi there!

Let me guess. Your life right now is perfect.  I mean, whose wouldn't? You have met the woman of your dream. She's simply adorable. Mature. Focused. Beautiful. Humble and down-to-earth. In fact, I assume you have already paraded her to your boys, and one of them, perhaps his name is Erico is already salivating at her juicy thighs and her nice, long, flowery legs.

Friday, 23 January 2015

Dude, take a chill pill. Having a nice car doesn't make you God

A man, my father used to say, needs three things in life: a good doctor, a clever lawyer and a forgiving priest.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Tear gasing children is wrong, retrogressive, barbaric and stupid

Tuesday, June 17, 2008 is a day I have tried unsuccessfully to forget. This is the day I 'tasted' the savageness, ferocity and unkindness of tear gas.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Annoying things men hate about their women

Ladies, has your man suddenly began loosing interest in the relationship? Have you started having question marks regarding his attitude and level of commitment? Is your sixth sense telling you there's problem in paradise, though you just can't seem to put a finger on it? I guess your first conclusion probably will be you suspect he's cheating on you. Well, before you launch a CSI (Cheating Scene Investigation). How about you take a forensic look at yourself first. Just to be sure that the problem isn't you.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

The devil discovered alcohol. The Kenyan Government invented AlcoBlow

A bouncer warning revellers about AlcoBlow at a Nairobi club.
When you call my phone at 2:17 in the morning. It better be about my appointment as the next Governor of the Central Bank of Kenya. That's the only reason calls at such an ungodly hour can be justified.

Monday, 5 January 2015

They will kill you, send condolence messages and mourn you in style

When I was growing up. Many years ago when the Nyayo milk was still part of the school curriculum. My neighbour, Mzee Yusuf Mwandago passed away in a disturbingly mysterious manner. On normal circumstances, some old village man being summoned to the next life wouldn't have made news. However, Mzee Yusuf wasn't just some old economically insignificant person. He was the head of the village council of elders, and rumour had it that he was eyeing the Parliamentary seat in the next election.