Monday, 29 June 2015

Who will save us from these WhatsApp Groups bandwagon?

I am not going to mince words. I'm beginning to be repelled by these many annoying WhatsApp groups. Now, before you call me evil names which will make my ancestors sneeze in their graves, hear me out. 

Friday, 26 June 2015

The evils that men do

She always looked at me as if I had died in a grisly road accident years ago, and she never moved on. She had a disarming, albeit seductive smile that would make Delilah (Samson’s ‘clande’ in the Bible) look like an amateur. She was calm and could be described as shy, even a little bit coy. Though I didn’t have Samson’s dreadlocks to go with, I was however tempted on several occasions to compensate on that by sending her into the family way. 

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

How I lost my virginity

I was born on a chilly Saturday night at a time when the Nyayo milk was politically part of the school curriculum. Ready to welcome me into the world of sin was Mama Truphosa, the official village midwife. I am told she camped at our home two months before my mother dispatched me into the village way of life. Characterized with a larger-than-life personality and big sweaty hands, she had a big nose, it was jokingly rumoured that she could smell any newly pregnant woman in the village.

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Confident, Horny, Strong, Witty & Randy: Welcome to My Super 30s

As the gods would have it, I turned 34 today. It feels scary (who enjoys growing old, anyway). On the contrary though, it feels awesome (at least I'm eligible to join the council of elders in my village and be permitted to enjoy the joy of impregnating a woman without having to pay for dowry). Unlike previous birthdays, somehow this one is different. Its more of reflections, than celebration. More of taking stock of my goals, achievements and plans, than 'making it rain'. 

Monday, 15 June 2015

My village and the prostitutes' disease

While top medical researchers with PhDs and million-dollar labs still can’t figure out whether HIV/AIDS has a weave or horns, herbalists in my village have been treating the damn thing for years. In addition, they fix cancer, chase away the demons of joblessness, recover lost husbands, enlarge men’s balls and women’s breasts, rig elections for politicians, impregnate barren women, speak to the dead and go to church.

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Message to Women: There's more to life than a pretty face and a sexy body

There used to a time when being a woman meant more than a pretty face covered with layers of make-up and flaunting of a voluptuous body. Those were the days when women dressed with decorum, elegance and style. They spoke with class, and handled their business with integrity, confidence and pride. Those were the days when women without coercion or manipulation commanded praise, honour, admiration, and respect. 

Monday, 8 June 2015

What your drink says about you

It’s Saturday. 7:38pm. I am at Dinks, my favourite local joint demonically sandwiched in the suburbia of Nairobi, with my homeboys, Dru, Jimmy and Abuya Abuya. Two lovely ladies, curiously described by Abuya Abuya as his business partners, join us moments later. There was Lohan, who was wearing so much perfume, all she could do was smell herself. The other was Bella, who was dressed in a scanty dress that was too colourful, I swear it could blind my grandma. We are irrigating our throats with fiery spirits brewed in Ruaraka as we wonder where to purchase canoes to beat the Nairobi floods, when the eighth wonder of the world happened. 

Thursday, 4 June 2015

My awesome threesome in Lilongwe

If I thought I had encountered the devil in Blantyre, clearly I had no idea what Lilongwe, Malawi's capital city was cooking for me.