Thursday, 22 December 2016

My Best 2016 Moments

The hunter in pursuit of an elephant does not stop to throw stones at birds, goes an African proverb. But today, I am gonna stop, albeit for a moment, and not throw stones at the birds. But look back at 2016, count my blessings, glorify God Almighty, pick some lessons, before I proceed in pursuit of my elephant in 2017. Well, here are my best moments of 2016: 

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

The second wife of my dreams

Its past midnight. On a normal night, I would be clobbering my fourth episode of nightly slumber. Perhaps I would be somewhere in a far lost world. A slumber land of sort, entertaining one of my classical dreams. And since its December, I am almost certain that in my dreams I probably would be playing black Santa Claus in a stuffy mall somewhere in downtown Nairobi. 

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

The King, The Throne and His Women

I parted with my foreskin under the surgical eyes of Dr. Joseph Karamoja, the respected family doctor, on a chilly morning in 1988. I was barely seven years-old. I was skinny, and though my parents have never been held to account, I believe I was malnourished. The gods - perhaps for their own entertainment - had slapped me with a big bald warthog-like head that was dotted with mashilingi (fungal infection of the scalp and hair shafts).

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

The Gospel of Flossing

My father used to say that a man needs three things in life: a clever lawyer, a forgiving priest and a submissive mistress. If you ask me, I think a man needs four things in life: a forgiving wife, an extremely understanding landlord, a Bible and a humble spirit. 

Monday, 24 October 2016

This is why I don’t go to church

I just read an article entitled "This is why I don't go to church". Its a rant about preachers and all that comes with churches and preaching. Frankly speaking, I almost choked, while reading the article. Its a script I have read and listened to a million times. Its a rant that has been perfected in our society. Preachers are thieves. Churches are fake. Men of cloth are all about fleecing the poor. Religion is bad. Christianity is fake. Salvation is foolishness. 

Saturday, 1 October 2016

The Day I Died and Resurrected

I still remember it like it was yesterday. My mum slapped me so hard, I felt pain in places I didn't know existed in my body. That slapped landed on my left cheek so hard, for a moment I saw a vision of the Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar shedding a tear for me. The slap was militarily delivered with dedicated virtuoso reminiscent of a scorned African woman. It was the kind of slap I believe scientists would easily conclude carried enough shock wave to power a village posho mill.  

Monday, 26 September 2016

Crossing The Zambezi

You have been chilling in this fancy Presidential Suite in Livingstone, Zambia feeling like a million dollar. Never in the history of luhya-dom has anyone ever utilised that small matter of room service like you have. You are sure the hotel management is contemplating, either to have someone on stand by outside your room, or worst case scenario throw you out. You slap the hotel manager with that look that says: kwani uta do what, after his body language seems to question your utilization of presidential privileges.

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Season 6 Intake of Living Effectively Mentorship Program (LEMP) is ongoing

The intake of Season 6 of LEMP 360° Course to be held in Nairobi is ONGOING. Classes are scheduled to begin on Saturday, 15 October, 2016. Don't be locked out, the class is filling up so fast. CLICK this link for details on the course content, LEMP entities, as well as the application and registration process.

Friday, 26 August 2016

The Case of the EX




















My  ex called me yesterday. The call lasted for 49 minutes, of which 43 minutes involved me listening to her long unwinding monologue. Don't worry the Nairobi traffic jam taught me years ago that small matter of patience. So, I listened and listened as she wondered about her life, her career, her family, her love-life... her... her... her...

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Yes, I am happily married, but its none of your business

He was wearing one of those looks that says virginity is only found in olive oil imported from the Middle East. He tapped me on the shoulders with an air of audacity borrowed from village circumcisers. 

Monday, 15 August 2016

Your show-off purchase is not your achievement By Sunny Bindra


"We must not raise our children to aspire be consumers; we must raise them to be productive. Too many children are being brought up to be overfed and overindulged, whose only ambition is to be able to shop in Dubai malls. That would be a catastrophic mistake. Children must understand how genuine wealth is generated, not just how it is squandered. The ability to consume is a byproduct of being productive. It is not the point of life."
I came across this amazing article by Sunny Bindra, a management consultant, writer and teacher based in Nairobi, and I thought I should share. It gives a clear perspective of what life is, and should be, especially in terms of our priorities and what we perceive as success and achievement. Hope you find it useful as I did. 

Friday, 5 August 2016

Till a Mzungu Do Us Part

I haven't seen or heard from Faith for a long time. Understandably so. Since she landed that odiero (white man), she went into hibernation or rather blocked all her friends from her new found glorious life. 

For those fortunate enough to still have her as a follower on Twiraa would be treated to occasional quotes of Swami Sivananda on her timeline. Forgive me, but I am always very suspicious of peeps who endlessly post quotes on social media. Prof. Kimani told me in Psychology class that such are troubled souls seeking either attention or consolation. But then again, who would trust a professor unable to pronounce: flabbergasted.

Monday, 25 July 2016

Never judge a book by it's cover

I met this young chap at the banks of the mighty Zambezi River in Zambia carrying his daily bread. For the record, those monsters were still alive. They kept on kicking and twisting, wiggling and squirming, wobbling and coiling. Perhaps they were looking for Fatou Bensouda's number, or desperately trying to remember the Lord's Prayer. They looked enraged, bitter and wrathful. He would occasionally say something to them in his Njaya dialect, and the fish would appear to nod their heads in fear, and immediately act dead. 

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Royal Dreams

I arrived in Mongu tired like a pregnant squirrel. As the gods would have it, I was in this part of the world to check out that small matter educated minds call provision of appropriate services to marginalised communities. However, for those with a flattering of tongue or fertile imagination, without even twinkling an eyelid will say shitty words like: empowering Africans to live with dignity, or the classic - eradication of poverty in Africa.

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

VIDEO: All you need to know about Living Effectively Mentorship Program (LEMP)

Living Effectively Mentorship Program (LEMP) is a dynamic program whose aim is to equip individuals to discover their purpose in life and maximise their God-given potential to live effectively on earth as they also become agents of change. LEMP is opened to any individual regardless of their age, sex, gender, education, religious background or any related things. Season 4 intake of LEMP 360° is ONGOING with classes scheduled to start on Saturday, July 2, 2016. 

Monday, 20 June 2016

What to expect from the Living Effectively Mentorship Program (LEMP)

Season 4 intake of Living Effectively Mentorship Program (LEMP 360°) is ONGOING. Classes are scheduled to start on Saturday, July 2, 2016. The following is what to expect from LEMP: 
  1. Training in LEMP 360° Course in: Personal, Financial, Spiritual, Networking, Physical, Professional and Leadership Development.
  2. Training in LEMP Advanced Course in: Entrepreneurship, Advanced Financial, Love, Sex and Relationships and Purpose Development.
  3. Participate in LEMP Professional and Business Network, Alumni Forum, Investment Group and community based volunteering activities.
  4. Principles of personal financial management and wealth creation, entrepreneurship, business planning, start-ups and mentoring. 
  5. Career development including CV writing, looking for jobs, preparing for interviews, getting ready for the job market and how to be a job creator.
  6. Understanding the principles of love, sex, dating, relationships and marriage, including the power of soul ties, masturbation and pornography.
  7. Opportunities for internship, employment, entrepreneurial and mentoring.
  8. Practical-based model of learning, sharing and networking, including travelling and exchange visits.
  9. Monthly resources on specific areas of personal and professional development.
  10. Opportunity to be mentored by leading personalities, entrepreneurs, leaders and industry players in different professional fields.
  11. Focus on individual specific needs and expectations.
Click this link for details about the course modules, registration and application process, time and venue of classes. Alternatively, you can also click here to VIEW or DOWNLOAD LEMP Brochure that has all the details. 

Saturday, 11 June 2016

#NEWS ALERT: LEMP Season 4 Intake ONGOING!






To all, kindly note that Season 4 intake of Living Effectively Mentorship Program (
LEMP 360°) is ONGOING. Classes are scheduled to start on Saturday, July 2, 2016. For those interested to be part of this, hurry up - we have limited slots. Click this link for details about the course modules, registration and application process, time and venue of classes. 

Alternatively, you can also click here to VIEW or DOWNLOAD LEMP Brochure that has all the details.  The two greatest days of your life is the day you were born, and the day you find out why you were born. At LEMP we help you discover your purpose in life and maximise your God-given potential to live effectively on earth as you also become an agent of change. See you in class. SPREAD the WORD!

Monday, 2 May 2016

5 Things I Would Tell My 25-Year-Old Self By TD Jakes

During my 58 years, I’ve occupied several roles. I’ve been a student, teacher and church leader. I’ve been an intern, employee and boss. I’m a son, father and grandfather, as well as husband, neighbor and friend. As I approach my sixth decade, I’ve been thinking a lot about missed opportunities, regret and the hard-scrabble lessons I’ve learned along the way. 

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

The Busy Syndrome

Most of us are trapped in what I call the "Busy Syndrome". We are always busy. Unfortunately for majority, we are always too busy but never productive, and there lies the difference. Being busy doesn't mean you are productive. 

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Want to know your true friends? Simply be in need...

After irrigating his throat with fiery waters, my functioning alcoholic father used to say that a man needs three things in life. A beautiful mistress, a clever lawyer and a forgiving priest. Of course, being a young and restless chap battling jiggers as I effortlessly prevented my heart from being shattered into pieces by the beauty and charm of my then village flame, Christine Nafula. I was curious to know why Ainea Shimbalambala, my father's shadow and oxygen didn't make into his top three shortlist of things a man needs in life.

Thursday, 31 March 2016

Being rude as a single lady will earn you nothing but more days in your father's house

Nothing turns off a man, any man. Be it white, black, yellow, green, rich, poor, skinny, chubby, educated, uneducated, foolish or wise than a rude, quarrelsome and nagging woman. Any man with his senses between his ears will run to the hills at the sight of a rude and quarrelsome woman. In fact, for most men they will smell such women a mile away.

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

A man who cannot marry because he is foolish, says all women are witches

He had an attitude so big it couldn’t even fit in his own huge head. He walked with a swagger as if his corrupt father owned the universe. He spoke smoothly yet with a hint of self-importance and self-entitlement, you would easily be confused to conclude that he was the best thing to ever happen to women. His unbridled superiority and egotism was apparent in the way he carried himself. I tell you, this guy was simply overflowing with pride, arrogance and narcissism.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

LEMP Alumni Changing the World, One Youth at a Time

Ngumbo Njoroge (the smiley handsome chap in glasses)
By the grace of God, the Living Effectively Mentorship Program (LEMP) was formed in early 2015. It was a dream born out of the desire to equip individuals to discover their purpose and maximise their God-given potential to live effectively on earth as they also become agents of change. 

Monday, 7 March 2016

Two Can Play That Game

A man who runs alone think he's the fastest, my father used to say. And when he was in a fatherly mood, of course after irrigating his throat with bitter waters concocted by the best illicit brewers in this part of Africa, he would throw in another gem of wisdom borrowed from West Africa.

Thursday, 25 February 2016

It was a pleasure, Mama Truphosa

I was born on a chilly Saturday night at a time when the Nyayo milk was politically still part of the school curriculum. Ready to welcome me into this world of sin was Mama Truphosa Ingesia, the official village midwife. 

Friday, 19 February 2016

Excuse me, your hair is blocking my view. Honey... my hair is the view

Last week I was at the Food Court in Westgate Shopping Mall, Nairobi. (You know I can see your eyes rolling). Not to worry. Its now a beautiful place. Security is really beefed up. I mean, you honestly have to be mad to even think of pulling another terrorist attack there. Saw some security chaps, carrying this super heavy machine guns, hiding in flowers with guns ready to blaze. I have never felt that safe on earth!

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

The Boy is Mine

It's 10am. Saturday. March 29th 2008. You are whizzing between sanity and hangover. Your head feels like it was hired for the night as a punching bag. Then you hear this commanding knock on the door that makes your heart skip a bit. The last you checked, you weren't being looked for by cops or the Eurobond mafia lords. In fact, the only person you owed money on earth was Mama Njoki, the vegetable vendor across the road. She couldn't possibly have sent a bunch of thugs to 'teach' you a lesson over the 38 bob debt that was a month overdue, or could she?

Sunday, 14 February 2016

REPOST: Why most men don't give a crap about Valentine's Day

Call us old fashioned and unloving. In fact, feel free to even throw in the this unromantic African men. But the reality is this - most men just don't give a crap about Valentine's Day, and this is why... READ MORE...

Thursday, 11 February 2016

Let's talk about money: How I got out of my comfort zone



Douglas Waudo, the founder of Living Effectively Mentorship Program (LEMP) shares about his life past encounters with money and how he used it. He talks about the change that happened after attending the Centonomy 101 Course and how it impacted in his life. 

The theme at the Centonomy Open Day held on January 16, 2016 at the All Saints Cathedral, Nairobi was "getting out of you comfort". The only way you are going to finally make a change in your finances is if you get out of your comfort zone. 

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Two Plus Two Equals Four By Modern Mom

My water broke around 3:30 that Sunday afternoon. Since I’d been in ‘barely there’ labor since 9 in the morning, everything was ready and already by the door. I quickly put on the blue dress that boyfriend was ironing at the time and we rushed out... READ MORE...

Monday, 8 February 2016

REPOST: Satan, not today please

Her life story is manicured and full of the Biblical Abrahamic blessings: Poor family. Childhood and teenage struggles. Scholarship educated up to high school. Then sugar-daddy-supported till graduate level.

Thanks to her beauty and charm, of course coupled with her qualification, she lands a relatively well-paying job in a local bank... READ MORE...

Thursday, 4 February 2016

REPOST: This woman called my mother

Let’s get this out of the way. My mother, Julia Busolo Waudo, will go to heaven.

And this is why... READ MORE...

Tuesday, 2 February 2016

REPOST: Baby on Board

I'm always fascinated by first-time parents. They seem to have this mystery about them that is either unexplored, understated, or even misunderstood. The ambiguity and paranoia of some about their little rascals always intrigues me. Some treat their little ones like some innocent cute bombs, which if not taken good care of will explore and wipe out life on earth. While others seem delusional about having a child. They will check its temperature hundred times a day. Call the doctor fifty times in a minute when the little rascal winks at the ceiling or coughs for fun... READ MORE...

Monday, 25 January 2016

REPOST: Too posh to be pregnant

My colleague Kate will go to hell. Forget that thing called purgatory, where we are told after one dies, their soul gather in some lounge to listen to Jazz music and sip fortified holy wine as they await the Second Coming. For Kate, she will go straight to hell immediately she dies, and this is why... READ MORE...

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

How bad do you really want it?

"I have observed something else under the sun. The fastest runner doesn't always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn't always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don't always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time" - Ecclesiastes 9:11 (New Living Translation). 

I am beginning to slowly figure out life.

Friday, 15 January 2016

The day my testicles felt the heat

Two things have happened in my village since the new year uninvitingly muscled itself into our lives. Without an iota of a doubt, I believe that the happenings of this things is a clear signal from the gods that the world is about to end, or El Chapo will escape again from prison.

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

So, what is next for the Living Effectively Mentorship Program (LEMP)?

This past Saturday, we had a great re-union of the Living Effectively Mentorship Program (LEMP) alumni. Individuals from the first and second batches of the program met for the first time, and it was great to see everyone interact, network and share ideas. The big question on everyone's mind was: So, what next after going through the program? 

Monday, 11 January 2016

Keys to financial freedom



























I will be one of the keynote speakers at the Centonomy Open Day. The details of which are in the flyer above. I hope you will all make time to attend. For money is such an important topic not to pay attention to it. Remember the decisions you make about money today will affect the quality of your life tomorrow. 

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

How to be poor in 2016

























I am scheduled as one of the Speakers to give a talk at the Centonomy Open Day on January 16, 2016 at the All Saints Cathedral in Nairobi. The theme for the Open Day is: Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone. For those who didn't get the memo, two years ago, I shared my mistakes, experiences, lessons learned and achievements on personal financial freedom after going through the Centonomy 101 - Personal Financial Management Course.